I don’t remember how to do this.

Has it really been a year since I tried to look ahead? For months I’ve been battling ideas that seem great on paper, or even within the relatively safe space of a “test the waters” Facebook post or Twitter message, but an equally crippling inability to act upon them with any certainty. For months I’ve seen stories and issues arise that generate plenty of thoughts, but no formal sentences worth sharing. For months I’ve thought about this blog, what it’s done for me over the years, what I think it’s done for others over that same time, and how I don’t want this URL to become a distant memory of blogrolls across the diabetes online community.

I think there’s reason to be proud that I’m paying more attention to topics like transgender rights, race issues, domestic violence, and validation within various patient communities. It speaks to a maturation of sorts. But if I still believe at my core, I’m a diabetes advocate, why is it so hard for me to prove it to myself that I still have what it takes to contribute?

Why have I been thinking about writing this blog post for three weeks but only now have the strength (is it really strength?) to say something?

I’m not going to make any promises about posting frequency because, quite frankly, I can’t stomach the disappointment when (if?) I don’t live up to that timetable. But I’m here, right now, to say that I’m still around. I still want to contribute to the discourse, and I will try to be more visible.

So, the task for now is to dust off my keyboard and start a figurative cleaning of sorts. Not a fresh start, but comfortable return. Until then, here are a couple of links to bide the time.

Image (linked) via giphy.com

First, my white whale. I launched My Cancer Secret. When I initially decided to expand the idea of My Disease Secret, I squatted on the mycancersecret.com URL but knew it was going to take time to figure out how to manage that site, and build up the street credit to approach the entire cancer community and say “you can trust me”. Now that the site is live, my big challenge is trying to engage a diverse range of advocates, patients, and caregivers without looking like  spam bot. If you or someone you know has been impacted by cancer and feel the need to share something anonymously, My Cancer Secret will be around when needed.

Second, I have a second podcast under my belt that may be worth your time. If you’ve enjoyed Just Talking Podcast, you may have noticed that I had my longtime friend Parris Lilly on that show with a great deal of regularity. We decided to continue our conversations under a different banner – 2 Big Topics. Every month we each bring a topic to the podcast for discussion. Every month we end up talking about 5 or 6 different things, but at the core are the two big topics that start our conversation. It took a little time to find the right rhythm, but I think we’re in a good place. Check it out, let me know what you think.

It feels weird to formally confront my lack of creativity ambition drive whatever it is that makes me go. How do you conquer a demon like this – one without a name or face or tangible identity? What has made this outlet so difficult to revisit? Why has this difficulty spread into other corners of my brain and actions?

If we’re lucky, I’ll be back soon to prove this blog post isn’t a fluke and I’m getting better.

We’ll see.