Expecting Better

I want to put this out here first and foremost, I know an A1c of 6.9 is not a bad thing. Over the past couple of years I have seen a strong level of consistency with my diabetes management that, eventually, I will reflect upon with pride. But I think I’m still within the grace period of analysis that comes with receiving the latest bloodwork report, so that’s what I’m going to do here. I know my A1c isn’t bad, but I was expecting a lot better.

I felt like I was doing a better job of managing the duration of my high blood glucose bouts. I felt like lowering my high alarm on my Dexcom to 180 was making a tangible improvement on my blood glucose control. I felt like I was eating healthier, as relative as that statement is, and was doing a better job of avoiding unnecessary carbs. I still indulge in the occasional cupcake or pint of ice cream, but I thought I was being a “better” person with diabetes. According to this stupid number, this number that I know better than to judge my entire diabetes experience on but I still do, I’m not doing better.

The worst part of this feeling of self betrayal is that I know I’m better. I am eating better. I am managing my highs more intelligently. I am testing regularly. I’m even taking my other medications with the regularity that a responsible patient does. On paper I’m doing all the right things – well, except for one: exercise.

Admittedly, exercise is still the final piece of this puzzle I’ve yet to properly incorporate. There have been occasional sessions on our no-so-recently purchased elliptical machine but nothing I would dare call consistent. I guess it’s gotten to the point that I can no longer manage this disease to the degree I thought I was capable of without including exercise in my routine. This should be a good thing. In time, maybe it will be. Maybe I was hoping for a better A1c to justify my lack of motivation. If I’m doing this well without exercise, what’s another few months? Silly, I know.

I don’t like that I immediately jump to analyze every little piece of my labwork and seek the flaws first. I don’t like that I have to remember that every other reading on this printout says I’m healthy. I wonder if this constant pursuit of the negative will ever fade. That’s one thing that I know, with absolute certainty, is not a healthy practice.

Oh yea, I almost passed out when I got my blood drawn on Monday. I waited too long to schedule my appointment and the earliest time available was noon. This meant that in order to abide by the fasting requirement of my lab work, breakfast was skipped. This meant that the last food I ate was over 14 hours prior to the lab work. This meant that as soon as that needle went in to my arm (no, my other arm because the left vein wasn’t cooperating) I felt dizzy, hot, light-headed and panic-y. I made it to the end of the blood draw and took a few minutes before the technician would even let me try standing up – thankfully she was a patient and understanding woman. Not smart on my part. Early blood draws in the future, please.

On a separate personal note, I really need to record my contribution to the You Can Do This project. I feel like an immense hypocrite for not having shown my full support to this awesome endeavor. Kim, if you’re reading this part, the video is coming soon. I promise.

4 thoughts on “Expecting Better

  1. A good friend of mine told me one “Perfection is the enemy of the good.” I don’t have diabetes so I don’t know what it’s like to have to deal day in and day out with all the things you do BUT I am a major perfectionist and I beat myself up all day long so I do know what that’s like. The problem is that we can never be that PERFECT person. You aren’t guilty of betraying yourself. You are guilty of being human. You are doing the best you can and you’re learning everyday what you need to do to become better.

    I think it’s great that you’re adding in exercise! That’s healthy for everyone even though it does suck 😀 I have an Xbox game that I use for exercise and I love it because it’s a lot of kick boxing so I can take out my feelings of being inadequate on the punching bag on the screen 🙂

    Anyway, good luck to you on getting to where you want to be! You can do this!

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