In light of yesterday’s post I have been receiving a wide range of feedback. All of it has been supportive or positive, which I appreciate. A few of the responses I got, particularly over twitter mentioned Depression and/or seeing a therapist. I’m going to be honest with you all, every time someone mentions that other D word to me I shrug it off. I mean…that’s not me. I’m not depressed…am I?
For grins, I went to WebMD to see if there was a quick and easy ‘Are You Depressed’ quiz that I could take. Obviously there is far more involved with determining and diagnosing depression than a 10 question online quiz, but it’s a foot in the door.
According to the results of this thing, I am at a lower risk for Depression. And I quote, “You replied that you are feeling four or fewer of the common symptoms of depression. In general, people experiencing depression have five or more common symptoms of the condition. But every individual is unique. If you are concerned about depression, talk with your doctor.
Depression shows up in many different ways. People often lose interest in favorite activities and feel sad or hopeless. They may also have sleep problems, gain or lose weight, feel irritable or angry, or be in physical pain for unexplained reasons. Feeling guilty, anxious, or having difficulty concentrating are also common signs of depression. Fortunately, there are many ways to treat depression, and more than 80% of people treated for depression improve within a year.” (end quote)
It’s hard to try to be honest with myself with something that I might be in denial about. Clearly I’m no medical professional but I believe there are levels associated with depression. From your general feelings of meh and blah to “holy balls, call a help line”, I’m sure there are days where we all fall in to various states within the spectrum (obviously on more technical terms than holy balls) but likely for moments, not extended periods of time. I’m well aware of the links between Diabetes and Depression but I don’t think that Wilford can claim this one. Diabetes sucks, but I’m at peace with the sucktitude of living with Diabetes. At least today I am.
Going through the questions on this quiz, ‘feeling sad or down most of the time’ feels like a loaded question. How much is most of the time? I feel like most of the time I’m either not truly happy or just ignoring the suck because I want to try to move past it all. I have trouble concentrating probably because I’m addicted to twitter or have a million things racing through my mind. Trying to control them and focus on what is important at the moment is often a fun game of ‘oh, I should blog about that! Now let me just jot some things down in notepad and send an email to myself for future reference.’ It’s how most of my blog posts come about. My friends haven’t said that I am acting different, in part because my close friends are scattered across the east coast. When we do get together it’s usually for a short get-together and there is rarely enough time to notice any anxiety, restlessness or lethargy. I’ve always been a bit socially awkward or anxious, so if anything, different would mean that I am more comfortable in social situations, not less.
Feeling worthless or hopeless is a tough one. I have often questioned what it is I want to do for a career (don’t we all), with this blog (don’t we all), or just in life (don’t we all). There have been a number of times where I feel like all of my written bravado is for nothing because I can’t stand behind how I believe I should act. As you have likely read in my previous post, and others of similar subject matter when I find the strength to post them, most of my hopelessness comes from being alone. Unfortunately the only response to almost 25 and eternally alone is “you’re time will come.” If I had a nickel every time I heard that one…I’d have a lot of nickels. There really is no other response to something like that. Deep down I know it’s true, but at this moment I am beyond skeptical.
So do I fake smiles in public for you or for me? Am I trying to fool myself into a more positive attitude while simultaneously ignoring the real problems?
To be clear. Suicide has never crossed my mind. Never. NEVER. In the grand scheme of things not having a girlfriend is not the end of the world. I’m well aware of this. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t weigh me down a lot. It does, and it does. But I also know that I have far too much going for me right now, far too much potential for the future. I just wish this one little, teensy, tiny tidbit of my life would resolve itself sooner rather than later.
Good things to those who wait right? I think I’ve demonstrated that I am a patient man, a very patient man. I know that there are more important things to be concerned with and I’m sure you all would rather read about something else but you knew the risks when you clicked ‘read more’.
That’s implied consent in my books. I kinda wish I had a better post for #150. I’ll do my best to coordinate my emotional state for #200.