The ‘Other’ D Word…

In light of yesterday’s post I have been receiving a wide range of feedback. All of it has been supportive or positive, which I appreciate. A few of the responses I got, particularly over twitter mentioned Depression and/or seeing a therapist. I’m going to be honest with you all, every time someone mentions that other D word to me I shrug it off. I mean…that’s not me. I’m not depressed…am I?

For grins, I went to WebMD to see if there was a quick and easy ‘Are You Depressed’ quiz that I could take. Obviously there is far more involved with determining and diagnosing depression than a 10 question online quiz, but it’s a foot in the door.

According to the results of this thing, I am at a lower risk for Depression. And I quote, “You replied that you are feeling four or fewer of the common symptoms of depression. In general, people experiencing depression have five or more common symptoms of the condition. But every individual is unique. If you are concerned about depression, talk with your doctor.

Depression shows up in many different ways. People often lose interest in favorite activities and feel sad or hopeless. They may also have sleep problems, gain or lose weight, feel irritable or angry, or be in physical pain for unexplained reasons. Feeling guilty, anxious, or having difficulty concentrating are also common signs of depression. Fortunately, there are many ways to treat depression, and more than 80% of people treated for depression improve within a year.” (end quote)

It’s hard to try to be honest with myself with something that I might be in denial about. Clearly I’m no medical professional but I believe there are levels associated with depression. From your general feelings of meh and blah to “holy balls, call a help line”, I’m sure there are days where we all fall in to various states within the spectrum (obviously on more technical terms than holy balls) but likely for moments, not extended periods of time. I’m well aware of the links between Diabetes and Depression but I don’t think that Wilford can claim this one. Diabetes sucks, but I’m at peace with the sucktitude of living with Diabetes. At least today I am.

Going through the questions on this quiz, ‘feeling sad or down most of the time’ feels like a loaded question. How much is most of the time? I feel like most of the time I’m either not truly happy or just ignoring the suck because I want to try to move past it all. I have trouble concentrating probably because I’m addicted to twitter or have a million things racing through my mind. Trying to control them and focus on what is important at the moment is often a fun game of ‘oh, I should blog about that! Now let me just jot some things down in notepad and send an email to myself for future reference.’ It’s how most of my blog posts come about. My friends haven’t said that I am acting different, in part because my close friends are scattered across the east coast. When we do get together it’s usually for a short get-together and there is rarely enough time to notice any anxiety, restlessness or lethargy. I’ve always been a bit socially awkward or anxious, so if anything, different would mean that I am more comfortable in social situations, not less.

Feeling worthless or hopeless is a tough one. I have often questioned what it is I want to do for a career (don’t we all), with this blog (don’t we all), or just in life (don’t we all). There have been a number of times where I feel like all of my written bravado is for nothing because I can’t stand behind how I believe I should act. As you have likely read in my previous post, and others of similar subject matter when I find the strength to post them, most of my hopelessness comes from being alone. Unfortunately the only response to almost 25 and eternally alone is “you’re time will come.” If I had a nickel every time I heard that one…I’d have a lot of nickels. There really is no other response to something like that. Deep down I know it’s true, but at this moment I am beyond skeptical.

So do I fake smiles in public for you or for me? Am I trying to fool myself into a more positive attitude while simultaneously ignoring the real problems?

To be clear. Suicide has never crossed my mind. Never. NEVER. In the grand scheme of things not having a girlfriend is not the end of the world. I’m well aware of this. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t weigh me down a lot. It does, and it does. But I also know that I have far too much going for me right now, far too much potential for the future. I just wish this one little, teensy, tiny tidbit of my life would resolve itself sooner rather than later.

Good things to those who wait right? I think I’ve demonstrated that I am a patient man, a very patient man. I know that there are more important things to be concerned with and I’m sure you all would rather read about something else but you knew the risks when you clicked ‘read more’.

That’s implied consent in my books. I kinda wish I had a better post for #150. I’ll do my best to coordinate my emotional state for #200.

8 thoughts on “The ‘Other’ D Word…

  1. I think this is a good post for #150 (congrats on that BTW). Thanks for sharing with all of us! As far as whether or not you have the other D what it comes down to is if your feelings are affecting you in your day to day tasks and are getting in the way more than they use to, then it is possible you have the other D. Those lists and quizzes are guidelines to help professionals with diagnosis but only you know you. If things are feeling out of balance for you then bring it up to the doc or consider visiting a therapist. What is important here is not a diagnosis, it is that you take care of yourself, mind, body, and soul. I find it hard to believe you don’t have a girlfriend. I have some tudiabetes friends I would love to introduce you to 😉

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  2. Great post! Every time I go to my CDE, she mentions this. I’m a busy mom and teacher with three teenagers who drive me crazy. I can always find an excuse not to deal with my D. And sometimes, I wonder, too, do am I 2D? There was a period in my life where I was so burnt out on D that I didn’t take care of myself. Good points to keep in mind when we deal with this disease, condition, whathaveyou. Thanks for reminding me I do have to keep taking good care of myself in every way!

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  3. 150? Ok. First, congrats.
    Second. Uh. Crap. Um….

    I know. Been there. Still there. I hate it. Not the end of the world but seriously annoying. I do alone well but I do hate it at the same time.

    Just know that you do not need to defend yourself, your words or actions in this matter. Only You know You. Only You know what You need. What you want. No one can ever take that away from you.

    Your honesty is remarkable. I commend you on it. So many people are never this honest with themselves, let alone the interweb.

    I most certainly struggle in this area. Every day. But I don’t let it hold me back or down, for too long that is. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment of “bleh”. It’s harder to learn how to get out of it.

    I’m with ya man. I feel for ya. I really do.
    (insert Skype bear hug here)

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  4. I understand what you are saying Chris. I have read a lot of post from diabetics about depression. I am not a doctor nor do I play one on tv! 🙂 But from our past conversations, if somebody had ever asked me if I thought you were depressed, I would have said no.

    That being said, if you believe that you may be depressed then I do encourage you to see your doctor. Just a warming about pill happy doctors. I believe that some people do well on prescription drugs, that some people really do need them but I also know that some doctors have a happy pill for just about ever imaginable symptom.

    I praise your honestly and your willingness to share you inner thoughts with us. I know that it’s not easy to put yourself “out there”. You know where to find me if you want to talk/vent! 🙂

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  5. I see it this way: everyone suffers from depression. Obviously, severe depression can interfere with your life in significant and dangerous ways – and that’s the point at which I feel medication would be necessary. But in the rest of the cases its up to the person to decide whether or not they want to consider taking meds for it.

    And antidepressants are very serious drugs. My doctor put me on Adderall 6+ years ago (technically for A.D.D., but also an amphetamine), and I can’t imagine going a day without it. Depression is rarely curable.

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  6. Congrats on #150! My psychotherapist and I deal with a lot of things, once a week. While I’m not officially “depressed,” I am medicated for anxiety and panic attacks. We do take stock frequently of different situations and life things I’m going through and it helps. I get the blues, the deep-down midnight blues, sometimes. I think that’s part of life, and as long as you can eventually pull yourself up to see daylight, I think you’re doing okay. You’re aware, and I think that’s an important factor.

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  7. I really liked the “how can I be honest about something I might be in denial about?” part. So true, and so hard to know. I think being aware of symptoms can help you recognize depression before it pulls you too deep down.

    Here’s to hoping you never need to.

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