Hesitation

I know I’ve been at this whole Diabetes thing a relatively short time compared to a lot of you out there. 6.5 years doesn’t really have the same ring to it as “since I was 5” or something like that. But I’ve been stabbing myself in the stomach, arm, finger long enough to be as comfortable with all that Diabetes management requires of me mentally. Of course that doesn’t mean that mentally I’m always on board with what has to be done, but I’m at least aware of the necessary tasks.

So I guess this is a question to the more senior members of the Wilford Brimely Fan Club: Do you still hesitate before checking your blood sugar? When I queue up a new test strip for Bart Allen (FreeStyle Flash…The Flash…get it??? awww forget it) and hear the little *click* as the lancet is locked and loaded for duty, sometimes I hesitate before I press the button. I’ll brace for impact. Sometimes I squint, and half look away. I know what is going to happen, I’ve done this umteen-gagillion times before and it still makes me uneasy at times. Is that weird?

I’ve been giving myself 4 injections a day since diagnosis, yet there are still times where I’ll sit there with my insulin pen ready to go and I’ll think about what I am doing. Under any other circumstance, what we do to live…to survive would be described as self mutilation. The lengths we go to live a long and healthy life, at its core are quite violent. On paper, it sounds like a snuff film. Of course, under the umbrella of medicine it’s completely normal. There’s nothing to hesitate about. We do what must be done. Anakin, I have the high ground!

I call injections “stabbing” because I have a rather twisted sense of humor. I have no doubt that I am an acquired taste. But it’s part of my way of dealing…of coping. This thing isn’t going away any time soon, so I’m going to live with Diabetes on my terms, in my words. Diabetes may have changed the rules of the game, but I’m the one playing.

And I don’t like to lose.

8 thoughts on “Hesitation

  1. I don’t think I hesitate like that anymore. When I was a kid and first started doing BG testing, before I had an automatic lancing device and had to go old-school, I would hold the lancet poised over my finger and stab the air a bazillion times before I had the courage to move it just far enough to stab my finger. The lancets were like daggers back then, relatively speaking, so no matter if you did it old-school or had the standard guillotine device, you ended up bruised. I don’t really care for automatic devices for needles, although I use the one for sensor needles since those are big-ass needles. I gingerly inject infusion sets, and if it hurts a lot I’ll move my intended site. I used to do that with syringes too until they started making those little small gauge short needles. I’ve never used a pen, so I don’t know what the needles on those are like.

    It’s all relative though. Having grown up covered in bruises from the big syringes, and then when I started BG testing, using the lancets and getting bruised from those, what we have today doesn’t phase me too much.

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  2. You. Crack. Me. Up.
    Shootin’ up, stabbing, poking. What the heck is wrong with that?
    I do it too. 😉
    My lancet is a “poker”. Always has been. I actually think my parents started it. Hmmm. That’s where I get it from? Alright, I am ok with that.

    And yes, after 24 years, I Still hesitate. I Still hate it. It Still hurts. Especially when I was on MDI therapy. I always hesitated before I stabbed away.

    And good for you. This D thing is Yours. Own it. Define it. Use your words. It’s the only way man, the only way.

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  3. Before going on the pump, by rough estimate, I gave myself well over 40,000 injections (diagnosed T1 at 17). In the last few years before getting the pump, I was injecting with a pen for short acting before each meal, and a syringe for Lantus once a day before bed. 4-6 shots a day on average. There were times I too paused to think about what I was doing, but what totally blows me away today is how many times I would dial up a bolus, “stab” myself, throw the cap back on, put the pen away, and then 5 minutes later think, “Did I already give myself a shot? Or was that yesterday at lunch?” I can’t believe how easy it was to simply go on “autopilot” and not have a 2nd thought about what I was doing.

    Even stranger was (and occasionally still is) being in an airport, or out eating, or (insert your own scenearo here) and wondering why no one else was checking their numbers, or taking a correction. “That IS what the entire population of planet earth does, isn’t it? Certainly I’m not alone in this, right?” I look back on those times now as if i was a visitor from planet Glucagon. So strange. Being on the pump has brought a new reality to my little D-world. And while I am now able to do all of the things i need to without as much step by step thought as I did when i first went on it, I doubt I’ll ever get to the same level of “autopilot” complacency I did with shots.

    Great post Chris!

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  4. My lancet is called a poker too, hahahaha! Even though it is not as big of a dagger as the old school lancets, I still hesitate ALOT before hitting the button. When I have to take a shot I take FOREVER to put the needle in. I figure I have done at least 16,000 shots over the past 22 years and I still get hesitant to stab it in. I am like that with my infusion sets for the pump too. I use an inster and I hesitate alot before hitting the sides to put the set in. I still hate needles!

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  5. I was diagnosed when I was 8 and could not do my own shots until high school, my poor mother.

    I then did shots for a total of 36 years and had the yips all the time. I was never comfortable with shots, it never went smoothly for me, okay now I am gonna cry. Oooo I also come from the dark ages when we would boil the syringes and the needles and reuse. The needles were like daggers. So stabbing sounds perfectly fine to me.

    Thank God for the pump (7 years). Now I am having anxiety about having to get a new pump in another year and insurance not paying. 😦

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  6. I enjoy reading this because it actually puts a less depressing spin on having diabetes. Your sense of humor is great and I hope you continue to take care of and monitor yourself while still managing to having fun and be positive about life!

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  7. It is all so damn primitive isn’t it? I mean really? We squirt some “stuff” under our skin and jab ourselves with needles to see if we’re doing it right. And “back in the day” we used to pee on stuff.

    I do still cringe a bit before I pull the trigger on my infusion set inserter.

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  8. So I must be the exception in all you you! I was scared to death of needles before diagnosis but as soon as I was diagnosed I don’t remember ever being scared of the needle. I was so scared of the diagnosis in general there was no room for me to be scared of the needle!! It really doesn’t hurt me much anymore, the only thing that bothers me is when my site is somewhere painful. Then I rip the sucker out! I can’t stand that!

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