So I know I’ve written a few posts that have portrayed me as a cranky old man without a meaningful relationship to his name. I think that side of me is a defensive mechanism expressed to hide both my fears and jealousy. That being said, I haven’t been entirely honest will you all as far as my current situation is concerned. Yes I am still single but that doesn’t mean I’m not in engaged in a “pursuit” of sorts. After all, why would I go into so many lengthy rants about everyone else’s relationships unless I genuinely thought I could have one of my own.
I’m sure it’s become quite obvious how I feel about you even if I still don’t have the courage to come out and say it. I tried once the weekend before you left for the summer to go to Africa for your volunteer project. I’m pretty sure I came off as inexplicably shy. I didn’t even have the confidence to put my name on the first bouquet of flowers I sent you last year. While I certainly do not regret sending the flowers, I deeply regret letting my fears get the best of me and not standing behind my actions more proudly.
And about the flowers. I’ve sent you a random bouquet every month or so in part to reiterate that I care about you. The single rose every time I drive down is something to remember me by since I can’t drop by as often as I would like. If it wouldn’t appear that I was trying to bribe affection I would do more. I genuinely would.
It surprised me when you told me that the flowers you got for Valentines Day combined with the rest of the events of that day made you cry a little. Going to a wedding ON Valentine’s Day and getting snubbed by the guy you were kinda/sorta interested in AND receiving flowers from someone on the other side of the state (again) must have taken an unexpected toll on your emotions. I know you had mentioned your interest in this other guy to me before, the fact that he did not give you anything, no matter how small is a real shame. You deserve far better than that.
I haven’t made the best effort to keep in contact outside of my visits to Blacksburg, and while I hope to improve on that I want you to know that you can always call me, anytime, for anything.
There’s a phrase I discovered a couple of years ago that has stuck with me since: without wax. While the real meaning is still up for debate, it’s nice to believe that the following breakdown might be true. “Sincerely” is a word that we use more often than any other to end our letters, and yet there are very few people who know the derivation and the true meaning of that common word. Apparently Roman and Greek sculptors and architects (if something was dented or had a gash in it, or even if it had a hole in it) used to fill damaged areas with wax, and then they would cover the wax over with a coat of paint and sell the item as though it were undamaged. The word sincere can literally be translated as “sin-cera” meaning “without wax”. So if we are “sincere,” it means we are without wax; we are underneath as we appear to be on the surface. You can take that explanation with a grain of salt, but the premise is more than enough for me. I know it’s a bit over-the-top, but that’s how I’ve tried to live my life. Kind of a what you see is what you get. I’m just hoping that she has noticed that I’ve tried to be as sincere as possible. It’s how I will continue to personally conduct myself in the future hopefully as our relationship (in whatever capacity) continues to grow.
It’s not that I mustered the strength to ask her to accompany me to Stephen’s wedding, nor is it the fact that she said she would. But when I said “think about it” her response was “I don’t have to.” Is it wrong for me to want to do a little happy dance inside? I know people will interpret wedding invites differently, but considering the mild advances I’ve made thus far I know that the underlying reason for asking is becoming more and more obvious with each visit. With each rose. Maybe even with each smile.
Of course I could be ridiculously over analyzing all of this and I could me waaaay off. But I’d like to think optimistically for a change. See what it’s like on the other side of the fence. I usually fall into the belief structure centered around the idea that she just isn’t into me. Maybe, just maybe, she might me into me. Hey Self! Answer the door, opportunity might be knocking.
I’m debating on whether or not I should send all or part of this message in the coming days. There is a bit more to the letter, but since you (eager-reader) lack proper context it isn’t entirely necessary for this post. Initial thinking says send, but I think a few days to clear my head will improve rational thinking on the matter. I don’t want to squander any opportunities, but I feel like my actions over the past months deserve a fleshed out explanation.
Besides, she’s a really awesome girl.