I’ve had diabetes for over 6 years, making me a relative noob compared to others I’ve found in the twitterverse and other online capacities. Even in those 6 years, I’ve run through quite a few different emotional phases of dealing with disease. Among the most frequented were/are acceptance and apathy. However I don’t ever recall one of those emotions being denial or anger.
I don’t remember every detail of my weekend in the hospital during my diagnosis. I remember worrying about my Multivariable Calculus exam that I was going to have to make up. I remember freaking about at how much a single slice of bread affected me diabetically speaking. I remember confusion after testing my blood sugar levels after a crappy hospital meal, and not understanding why my numbers were fluctuating so much. I remember being instructed to fill my syringe with cloudy before clear (Humalin then Humalog) for my morning and evening injections. But through all of that, I don’t remember saying of even thinking two specific words, “why me?”
I never questioned the diagnosis. I never had a religious moment questioning God’s plan (I wont even elaborate on anything in that neck of the woods). I don’t want to say that I was fearless, but I think I was just concerned about learned what I needed to know so I could get back to Blacksburg as soon as possible. Because there was never a true adjustment period with all that diabetes meant, I just accepted it and moved on. The Five Stages of Grief are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I think it’s possible that I went right from diagnosis to acceptance. After all, what good would it have done me to be so concerned about something I had no control over?
I’ve never had a soul searching moment specifically about my diabetes, and I’m wondering if that makes me a cold hearted bastard. Diabetes is a big deal, I know it, you know it, and the American people know it. But I don’t think I’ve ever really internally addressed that fact. It’s not that I don’t care, I just don’t have the time to dwell. Diabetes isn’t going anywhere, a peaceful coexistence is probably the best course of action. Is there something wrong with me because I never had a heart to heart with my non-functioning pancreas? Am I in denial about being in denial? Could I be that heartless?