Cupid Hates Me

Another Valentine’s Day has come and past. I initially resisted writing up something on this “holiday.” I didn’t think I could offer anything uplifting or positive to the discussion and I did not want to be a buzz kill to those with actual plans for the weekend. But since the day has past, I’m going to treat this one as an attempt to discuss some of the reasons I am not a fan. Most are cliche, but that’s the point right? It’s all about putting a unique and hopefully personal interpretation on a common discussion topic. So while this isn’t necessarily a rant, I’m sure I will be approaching rant speed at times. You’ve been warned.

Valentine’s Day feels like a day that people hate for the sake of hating it. Like the New York Yankees. There is no indifference allowed, you are either a die hard fan, or a life long hater. The same goes for Valentine’s Day. You either get caught up in the joy of candy, flowers, and cheesy cards or you try to bring down as many people as possible to join you in your misery because you are unable or unwilling to participate. Since I am not a participant, I suppose that makes me a hater. But I think I can come up with three passable reasons for my disdain, followed by argument formed from the mind of a 3rd grader. But at least I can say I tried.

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m diabetic (1). Each day with diabetes is a test of mental fortitude, resisting temptation left and right in various forms. Introduce a day that promotes the sale and distribution of candy in all its sugary splendor and see what happens. Now it’s not like I haven’t had practice turning down a piece of chocolate or some sweet tarts, but when it’s done in moderation I have no problems. When this stuff is frackin everywhere, it’s just depressing. Not because I can’t have any candy, but because just thinking about having some starts the thought process about what just 3 Hershey Kisses would do to me. I can’t think about breaking the routine without weighing the consequences and the necessary actions to take to balance my actions. All that effort for 3 little pieces of chocolate turns me off to the idea of having any to begin with. It’s sad.

As previously mentioned, I’m also single (2). Which means Valentine’s Day is a double kidney punch. Now if I had some fond memory of a Valentine’s Day past to remind me of better times, I could just break open a bottle of wine and take a trip down memory lane. Sadly I don’t have any of those, and I don’t drink. I guess that makes a double double kidney punch. While I’ve started to open up about my fears about being alone, Valentine’s Day is just another friendly reminder that I am alone, and as far as relationships are concerned, I’ve always been alone. So I keep my head down, try not to notice the flowers and cards in everybody’s cubicles and ignore the spam emails about the fleeting deadline to send flowers to your special someone on February 14th. At its worst, it feels like the world is conspiring to remind me that I’m doing something terribly wrong.

I’ve already posted my thoughts on chivalry and its place in society, something I’m sure that’s worth further discussion in the future. It falls back into how I was raised and how I grew up. Treat women with respect because they deserve it, not because it’s February 14th. One of the responses I’ve read Valentine’s Day is that you shouldn’t need a hallmark holiday to tell you when to send flowers to someone you care about. I couldn’t agree more. If you truly care about a person, there should never be a need for some kind of external force to convince you to act upon those feelings beyond the feelings themselves (3). Send flowers on a Thursday because it’s Thursday not because “the man” says you should ((steps down from soapbox)). Fortunately this is one case where my actions have actually supported my words, even with no results to show from it.

My vengeance towards Valentine’s Day comes more out of envy than wrath. Yes, I am jealous of the people who have someone to share this ridiculously commercial holiday with. Despite what I think of this day, it is still a celebration of love and affection. Something that you can share with someone who I can only assume feels the same about you. A bond that has a strength so intense that I cannot begin to fathom its potency. A connection with someone deeper than the Mariana Trench (google that ish). I envy you because I don’t have that. I envy you because I feel incomplete. I envy you because solitude is my companion.

And the worst part is that I still ended up sending flowers. Despite everything going against me, despite my complete lack of self confidence, even despite These Trouble Times (drink!), that wasn’t going to stop me from trying . And while this was the fourth different time I’ve sent flowers, we all know that there’s a lot of hype behind a day like Valentine’s Day. For better or worse. There’s no telling how effective any of it has been. But my options are somewhat limited when you’re four hours away. So yea, I guess I crumbled under the pressure of the occasion. Deep down I’m a hopeless romantic like everyone else, I’ve just spend most of my days hiding it from everyone.

I know I’ve come off as bitter and harsh at times. I typically treat Valentine’s Day as an excuse to think of as many synonyms to the word ‘hate’ as possible, you gotta stay creative even with tunnel vision. I’m know most of this is my own doing, but there’s only so much a person can take before boiling over. I try not to make a big deal out of it and just go through the motions like any other day. But let’s be honest, it’s not any other day. I’m sure that I’ll become a lemming when (read “if”) the time comes and gladly embrace the opportunity to spoil a special someone with rose petals at her feet. I just hope the time comes.

2 thoughts on “Cupid Hates Me

  1. I understand what you are saying…. it sucks! I’ve been there before minus the whole diabetes. But take it from me, Valentines is not all that it’s cracked up to be… and you know, should you feel the urge to send flowers… I’m always here LOL 🙂

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