I got a sweet needle stuck in my arm this morning. You know, blood work for my appointment with Not House later this week and all that jazz. At this point, having another needle in my arm doesn’t really phase me. It’s just part of the routine. As far as the appointment itself, I have some mixed emotions. I suppose when it comes down to it, it’s all just varying degrees of anticipation.

I do anticipate my A1c. Given the amount of pressure I put on myself on a day-to-day basis, using that single number as a measure of my degree of control (regardless of how unfair it is) is how my mind operates. It’s a long, tough battle I’m engaged in to change my thought process about my Diabetes. I can carry the right attitude for a week or more but a single blood glucose test can send me back into my old habits of blame and anger. It’s rough. I know that my perspective on my A1c needs to change if I’m going to maintain a more positive, or at least less negative approach to how I do things.

I’m anticipating the discussion. For the past week or two I have been really struggling with my 15 nightly units of Lantus. Occasionally I have found myself in range at 11:00pm. But only occasionally. Chasing highs throughout the day because there isn’t enough Lantus doing its thing has taken its toll on my charting. It’s equally sad and infuriating. I have been reluctant to add a day-time Lantus shot because 1. I resist change like a brick wall and b. I really want to talk to Not House about it. I hope that he will have some meaningful insight for me and help me figure out what path I should continue on. The more I think about it, the more I realize how long I’ve been at this on my own. The circumstances of my diagnosis put me in his office. He’s right next to the hospital I spent a few days in. But the level of communication between us leaves a lot to be desired. Yes, communication is a two way street. And yes, I’m realizing this a bit late. But I am realizing this, and that’s progress. I think. And this brings me to my next anticipation.

I’m anticipating the future. I am slowly developing a back bone when it comes to Not House. I don’t know what it will take, but these moments of contemplation put me a step closer to finding a new endocrinologist. As I said, I resist change. That’s on me. I’m not sure what the breaking point is going to be. I’m not sure how much more stubborn I can be about this. Part of me thinks that if I ask the right questions then the right kind of dialog will be generated. I don’t like the idea of thinking that there is a password to proper Diabetes care with my doctors, but it’s all I have to go on right now. I know it sounds lame, but I’m adding this to the work in progress that is my changing attitude.

Also with the future comes the possibility of an upgrade. In the vacuum of no insurance hassles and courteous customer service people, I am still considering the possibility of a CGM possibly in tandem with a pump. I still want to believe that I can make my Humalog/Lantus tag-team work like I believe it can. I like the simplicity and freedom of a pen. I’m slowly becoming less resistant to using my insulin only at mealtimes and having the mindset of insulin when it is needed, be it meals or corrections. Pumpers don’t do that, there’s no reason I should be any different (But that’s a whole other blog post). Of course it comes down to execution. If the previously mentioned midday Lantus injection fixes my issues of chasing high numbers throughout my days then maybe there is some hope for me yet. Sure, there are a lot of other things to consider with all of this. And I’m sure a CGM would shed a degree of enlightenment in a 3 day period that all the charting and record keeping in the world couldn’t compare to. But this is what I have to go with and I need to have faith in my ability to manage this properly.

We’ll see what Wednesday’s appointment brings.