Another One
February 2, 2010
I had another one of those days yesterday. On the surface everything looked normal. Diabetically speaking my numbers were in range over the course of the day. However none of that seemed to matter. Accepting the small victories is becoming a more difficult task each day.
86. 113. 114. Even as I review my recorded blood glucose results from the day, I don’t find any sense of accomplishment. No matter how well I’ve maintained control over the course of a given day, I know I’m sure to ruin it by the end of the night. Yes, I’m too hard on myself. I swear I’m working on it. But this is my life right now – a selective short-term memory. I find no cause for celebration for a test in range and dwell for far too long on the numbers that are not.
Each time I test I spend the few seconds of processing time wondering if I did everything right. Did I match the food I ate with my insulin? The constant doubt of whether I am actually doing this whole Diabetes thing right does not go away. I wish it would. Life would be so much better if I didn’t have to deal with all this second guessing. I know, I know: I’m still alive, I’m (what I would consider) healthy, I’m working hard to continue to reduce my A1c. But I never have any faith that what I am doing is actually working. I doubt my methods. I doubt the tools at my disposal. I doubt my ability to resist temptation and ignore that piece of chocolate or extra handful of chips. I doubt far too much about far too much.
Living in constant fear and regret over ones actions is not the most exciting mindset. If you can, I recommend that you avoid it. As for me? I’ll wake up tomorrow and try to reduce my self imposed stress levels. Right now success is not likely, but I have to start somewhere if I want to get better. Right?
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4 Comments
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Those numbers sound (at times) way better than mine.
But I understand the being hard on yourself part. My A1c hasn’t been above 7 in several years. But I’m hard on myself. Every doctor, nurse practitioner, dietician, etc, says how great I’m doing, but I feel like I’m not. It always surprises me when they say “Great job!” because I feel like 6.9 or 6.5 or even 6.3 isn’t good enough for me. How do we stop being so hard on ourselves??? As of Friday, I’m 24 years into this thing. And yet I’m still beating myself up about it.
25 years in May. I want to tell everyone it gets easier. I wish I could.
But I cannot lie.
It’s a process of learning, accepting and moving on. Rinse, repeat.
We are our own worst enemies and celebrating small victories does help, in the long run.
You aren’t alone.
Even if I can find a distraction, my mind is always wondering if this and if that…. is this one my fault? what can I learn from this? How do I do better next time? Im good for now, but am I trending up or down? Constant, never ending, worry, regret, shame, sadness, about a DAMN NUMBER.
I understand and You aren’t alone.
Hi Chris,
I’ve found myself in this same situation on many, many occasions. For me, taking a step back and “zooming out” from the minute-to-minute details really makes a difference. Instead of focusing on a single number, or even a single day, I try to focus on weeks. It’s easier to see improvements from this vantage point. And it’s also easier to see the less successful elements of my diabetes control that need more attention.
It sounds like you are doing really well. Taking this thing by the horns is a major challenge. Keep on being aware and try not to be too “zoomed in!”
Cheers,
L.