So Much For Control
Good morning. It’s another lovely Tuesday in Herndon. The current temperature is 33 with mostly cloudy skies. Clouds are expected for most of the day which means the snowfall from the weekend will not have a great opportunity to melt. Anticipated highs for the day will be in the low 40s, so bundle up. Your fasting blood sugar is 78.
(8:36) 78
Another day of stop and go traffic on the toll road. It’s a wonder I pay to drive on this road if there is no convenience in it. I’m not even sure if there was a worthy fender bender. Not even a cop pulling someone over for violating HOV restrictions. Just a bunch of drivers putting on makeup, using an electric shaver, talking endless on their phones, singing to their steering wheels or just generally not paying attention to the task at hand. I would love to see the first car that taps their brakes that causes a 3 mile slow down. To witness the power of a single car’s ability to control traffic for the rest of the morning – THAT would be blog worthy. Instead you get this.
(11:31) 113
SSDD. I need to commit to waking up when my alarm actually goes off. Maybe then I could add some variety to breakfast. As much as I appreciate the predictability of my breakfast choices, I would love a few extra minutes to enjoy something other than cereal.
Fun fact – I like cereal. I like milk. I don’t like cereal IN my milk. That’s not weird is it?
Lunch is less than 60 minutes away. For a change I’m less nervous than I have been in the past, which is good. Baby steps. But I know that there is strength to be found in my doubt. Somewhere, it’s out there. I have to keep looking. I have to keep trying.
(12:18) 68
There’s that drop I was looking for. Came a little later than it normally does. Grab a few Wheat Thins before heading out to lunch. Ironically, I have to eat before I eat.
Quiznos. Small Classic Club on Wheat. NO mayo. (Never mayo). Simple and boring, not unlike myself at times. Sadly Quiznos only has Diet Pepsi – how I loathe Diet Pepsi. No chips today. I’m still trying to break the habit of insulin first but 7 years is a long time and this is a habit I can’t exactly break tomorrow. It’s going to take time and a lot of patience. Guess which one I don’t have a lot of.
(4:38) 89
My theoretical CGM says I’m falling, looks like a few Wheat Thins might be in order before my potentially 90 minute commute home. I must say, these Sharpie Pens are kinda cool.
(6:37) 134
I guess I had a few too many Wheat Thins before the drive home. Not the worst result. I’m not sure what I would do if an awesome low came through while I”m stuck on the Beltway. It’s during drives like this I wish I could teleport. I don’t need A to Z teleportation, but maybe something along the lines of Nightcrawler from the X-Men. He can only teleport to a location he can see, but that would still be infinitely faster than this crap. These are the types of things I think about during the commercial breaks on PTI. Sirius Satellite Radio is one of the few saving graces of my miserable commute and one of the many things I love about my car.
(12:22) 157
17 units of Lantus 40 minutes ago. 157 now means I will definitely be low overnight. At this point it’s not even the doctor’s orders any more. I’m convinced that 21 is no longer the right course of action, but even at 17 I still have to battle the overnight lows. 200 is still the “target” around the time of my injection to ensure uninterrupted sleep.
(1:55) 119
Finally posting the latest episode of Just Talking. I should probably drink some OJ (with no pulp) to prevent the low that is beyond a certainty. But I have work in the morning. Maybe I can tough it out long enough so I will be forced up at a time relatively close to my alarm. Maybe will help my chances of actually getting up and ready for the day.
Yes, that was my actual thought process. Hypoglycemia as a morning alarm.
(4:10) 66
So much for that bright idea. This is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Waking up with a low means I’m already functioning at a reduced mental capacity (from my normally reduced mental capacity) but this means that the carnal instincts of a low have even more influence on my behavior. For me, 15 for 15 doesn’t work at 4am.
These are the moments when I feel all self control has left me. I feel weak, at the mercy of my instincts despite knowing the consequences of my actions. I feel helpless, even after the recommended serving of juice I don’t have the strength to wait for the pulp-free goodness to do its thing. I feel like a failure, because I know that as I have another handful of Lucky Charms, Bart Allen will be displaying some rather unsavory numbers in the next few hours.
But none of that maters at the moment – lows consume me.
(8:31) 241
An entire day of control ruined by apathy and poor judgment. In that single reading I forget the previous 23 hours “in range” and only focus on what I call failure. I knew the low was coming and did nothing to prevent it. I knew the high would follow but ignored logic and reason. And thus begins another day with Diabetes. I’ll be in a fantastic mood for most of the day because of a single number. Because in that instant I am lost. I am confused. I am frustrated. I am furious.
So much for control.
For years I could not eat cereal with milk. Now I just don’t eat cereal, always raises my blood sugar no matter what I do.
Now to these numbers — holy Awesome batman! Have ya seen mine?!
Right, NO comparing. Hear that? NO comparing!
You are doing what you need to do. Oh crap. I hate sounding like a broken record. So, I will stop. You know what I am going to say. You’ve heard it, read it.
As to the lows. You are not the only one who feels like that. I fear lows because of the loss of control. 15 grams, 15 mins. HA HA HA HA! Who in their right mind? Oh, okay, some can. I have. Sometimes. Not always. It’s ok.
One of the Hardest things to learn to do when managing T1 is dealing with a number then Moving On. I have my days But it’s important to see it as just that, a number. No emotion, No feeling tied to it. No one number makes you this or that, it certainly Never makes you less than or a failure.
You’re human. Numbers get whacky. There are so many variables to consider, not just carb and insulin intake.
What you should try to focus on is your awareness of you. That is a Win. You are aware. You are paying attention. Oh crap, back to being a broken record.
Ok, I’m done.
Hang tough man. And Try, okay, Try to not be so hard on yourself.
And for good measure (thank a friend a Dmob has not been formed, yet that is) –
*slap*
Okay, on with your day.
I keep life savers in my car. They don’t melt or freeze, and before I leave for my 70 minute drive home on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I test. If I’m below 120, I pop one in my mouth. At 30 miles, another. At 60 miles, another. I’m usually not over 150 by the time I arrive home, and I’d prefer 150 to 53 on the interstate any day. Although I have the luxury of driving through southern Missouri pastures and a few gas stations that are easily accessible on my way.
Just a suggestion…
What do you have against mayo?
Is it weird that I’m jealous you can even test? I don’t know where my meter is anymore and although I just unearthed some lancets, they don’t do me much good without the rest of the accoutrements. And of course, I’m having numbness issues again in my hands and feet. I’m telling myself it’s the cold and living in a drafty, not-completely-walled-in-yet house.
And nevermind shaking from what I’m 99% sure is a low but not being able to check or really do anything about it because I’m watching a nine-month-old do the same thing in his highchair and I just pray I don’t burn myself again while cooking something for him, or god forbid, burn him. Talk about lowered mental capacity stacked with panic.
It doesn’t help that groceries are a bit sparse around these parts, especially in the quick-fix department. Such is the life, I guess.
Btw, I never found out what my new A1C was. I suspect not awesome.
On the upside, tomorrow is the first night of Hanukkah and Kyle gets paid so maybe I can make some rugelach which would just make me smile. I refuse to do the roast again. That was a disaster. And I still don’t really have a functional dining room to serve a holiday meal at, so there’s that.
Okay, I’m rambling. Time to eat.
great post. really great post.
im sorry about the low and the resulting high. you are doing the right thing by testing and catching trends. I hope you and not house can come up with a better plan…
First of all, great numbers. Really and truly. And waking up a little high isn’t the end of the world…The end of (your) world would be if you hadn’t eaten enough and then didn’t wake up at all, right?
Have you tried splitting your Lantus dose? Most people need to do that, both because it doesn’t actually last 24 hours and because it peaks something awful–as I guess you realize–despite what they say. Taking half in the morning & half at dinnertime really helps with that, keeps things steadier. Levemir also works better for a lot of people, with less of a peak, so you might want to give that a try. The other option might be to take Lantus in the AM instead of at night–That’s what I used to do, to keep from going low overnight…It’s crappy to have to go bed high to prevent going low (and then go low later anyway.)
/My pseudo-CDE spiel…