Enthusiasm

I replaced one of the batteries in Bart Allen two nights ago. The meter functioned properly. It records my blood sugar, sometimes despite my wishes if it’s out of range and all is well with the world. The ‘down the strip’ light wasn’t fading but the main screen light was. I tried to wait until it was unbearably not working before only changing one of the 2 batteries powering Bart. Strange that replacing a battery in a glucose meter feels like a sense of accomplishment.

I’ve mentioned before that my numbers have been in a good range lately. Despite the ongoing Lantus shenanigans, my morning fasting numbers have been where I feel they need to be on a consistent basis and my daytime numbers has been acceptable. Nothing dramatically out of the ordinary. So I suppose that everything is ‘fine’ Diabetically speaking.

My problem is that I feel like I’m in a rut. Diabetes isn’t necessarily the problem, however I feel a but at the end of the ‘I’m fine’ statement. I’m a goal-oriented kind of guy. Show me a finish line and I’ll get there. It works pretty well for most of the stuff I occupy my time with. I edit Post Game Report and my goal is a finished product, something that I can point to and say ‘I did that.’ With Diabetes, I can’t do that.

There is no end. There is no ultimate goal. There are benchmarks, there are targets, there are things to aim for. But even if they are met, it doesn’t end. I could achieve an A1c of 6.8 next week but I couldn’t stop and point to that and say that I’m done with Diabetes. I’m only as responsible as my last A1c. I’m only in control as my last blood glucose reading.

Part of my problem is that a lot of Diabetes management feels too abstract for me. Do a good job ‘or else.’ There are plenty of long term complications that can join the fun of Diabetes but my mind doesn’t work too well with long term. I understand that if I do not maintain good control then a lot can go wrong, and that would certainly suck, but I can’t point to a particular day or moment or instance and ultimately hang a ‘Mission Accomplished’ banner.

Not that she needs the publicity, but take a look at what Kerri is going through. She’s working uber hard to get everything in order so she can then focus on having a child. But even after (and during) child developments (lame pun…#iblamediabetes), Diabetes is still going to be there. It’s not like she (we) can lock in an A1c and call it a day. I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m not sure if I’m really complaining about anything, just making an observation. And I’m well aware that I’m preaching to the choir…again, but it’s been on my mind lately. We all have to deal with this stuff, this is nothing new.

I see ’110′ before lunch and I don’t even feel good about it anymore.

I reread what I’ve written and I sound depressed. I’m not. I’m still in control. I’ll check in with Bart Allen in the morning, before I eat, before I go to sleep. I’m doing what needs to be done and I haven’t lost motivation but I feel like I’m losing enthusiasm.

/meh