Frank Castle
Among the many times I check my blood sugar is before I go to sleep (whenever that is). I like to know where I’m at and as a result where I will expect to be when I wake up. It is at this time that I’ll take an extra handful of Cheez-it to stave off the morning low if necessary. Most of the time I am a good Diabetic when it comes to overnight treatment. Synthroid: Check. 21 units of Lantus: Check. Blood sugar reading: Check. If you read carefully, I typed ‘most of the time.’ Every now and then I will see a number that will likely lead to an overnight low, and do nothing about it. Why?
Sometimes I think it’s a way to punish myself. If I had had a crappy day of managing my blood sugar, then I feel like this is the only way to really drive home the fact that I need to do a better job of keeping control. Sort of a “you brought this on yourself” moment. It’s incredibly dangerous, juvenile, and simply wrong. But that’s how my brain operates some times. You’ve read about my obsession with control. If I can’t maintain that, it’s my fault. I’m the one who isn’t doing a good job. I’m the one who isn’t balancing carbs with insulin. I am the one who is to blame. Me. Me. Me.
Of course this irrational thought process leads down a fun path. I’ll wake up around 3, do a quick test in the still of the night. Hands shaking trying to get my finger to stay still for a second to hit the test strip only to see a 54. Perfect. This is what you deserve. Now look at what you’ve done. I don’t know about you, but if I’m below 60 at 3am, the whole 15 for 15 method of treating a low is never sufficient. It never is. While I wont sit next to the refrigerator eating, waking up with a 220 is hardly a surprise. You call that self control? Thus begins another day, another battle.
Why I choose to punish myself for less than stellar control likely has issues beyond my Diabetes. Why I choose that particular method of dealing with my frustrations instead of trying to channel them into a more positive method of dealing is one of many questions I have been asking lately. Now you might say “but Chris, you have this blog now to be the voice of your anger, rage, and frustration.” True as that may be, my eager-reader. Sometimes it just isn’t enough. When there are times that I want to scream, I can’t always just turn to a keyboard to try and sort everything out. I wish it worked like that, maybe one day it will. But it doesn’t.
What sucks is that I’m trying to analyze myself, even though I’m not sure if I am willing to face the truth…
when (or if) I find it.
I loathe self-analyzing. I used to do it, every moment of every day for years.
I am doing it a lot less.
Does one way work better than the other?
So far, no.
We are our own worst enemies, for sure.
And as for the Wilford Daily Management, it is up to us and only us. Sometimes that is just too much.
I like to scream too and blogging, well, it just doesn’t cut it.
Hang tough and try (a little here, a little there) to not be so hard on yourself.
This is a tough thing that we live with man. Often enough, the “math” doesn’t work out right – so even when you do EVERYTHING 100% correct, you still get slapped with a whopper of a high or low.
But I do strongly relate with you on the worry of knowing I need to analyze my often destructive behaviors, but I’m scared to death of what I’ll find.