I’m going to be a groomsman in a wedding in August for a good friend of mine (ours) from Virginia Tech. His name is Stephen. This past weekend a bunch of us got together for Stephen’s Bachelor Party. His dad has a cabin in Paw Paw, West Virginia. I have no idea why he has a cabin up there, but it was certainly better than potentially camping outside. A bunch of guys with a lot of alcohol in a cabin in a rather remote location…what could possibly go wrong?

Everyone at the cabin I have either known as my roommate in college or they were good friends of roommates at college. For the most part, everyone had been “out of the game” for a while. We have moved on to legitimate employment, except for Jake who was recently laid off, a result of These Troubled Times (drink!) or are furthering education in Graduate Programs. Thanks to the wonders of technology, we were able to coordinate this weekend through the wonders of electronic mail. Dates were thrown around to see when schedules would optimally open up, flight times for people needing to get to here were discussed to coordinate transportation to and from the airport, and finances were discussed so we knew how much bail money to bring (kidding).

The best man, Steve took the lead in keeping everyone up to date with times, locations, and a potential body count. He was also kind enough to bring the major food items and of course the kegs. Yes, KEGS. There were only 9 people there, 8 drinkers, and these idiots managed to kill nearly 2 kegs (Stella and New Castle) in a 36 hour period. As I had mentioned, for the most part these guys have been out of the game for a while. The days of binge drinking on a Friday night have been long gone for some, especially Stephen (the guy getting married), but more on that later.

Driving up there only took about 80 minutes. Nate flew in from Texas, and Jake from Boston. Both were waiting at Nate’s house, which was around the corner from mine, for me to get home from work and we would follow Stephen up to the cabin after everything was packed. And by everything, I mean a bag each for our clothes, some sleeping bags, a couple pillows, a BB Gun, an Axe, and a hacksaw. Obviously we had to be prepared…for what exactly, I have no idea. As I said, the drive was relatively short, I introduced Nate and Jake to Incredibad, we ran into some heavy traffic getting out of Leesburg so we had time to run a few Chinese Fire Drills (around 2 cars). About two hours after we arrived at the cabin everyone else made it, despite some shady Google Map directions and oblivious GPS units.

To call this place a cabin is a bit misleading. It looks like a cabin, it’s in a pretty remote location similar to that of a cabin, but the inside was surprisingly finished and in great condition. I immediately feared for this place considering the potential for insanity that could of ensued. The only negatives were because this place was pretty much on a side of a mountain, it was windy as hell (see Mary Poppins) and the water smelled like Sulfur. It was safe to drink, it just smelled like ungodly ass. After Steve (Best Man) arrived with the kegs, obviously the first thing on our action-item list was Beer Pong. I don’t know what you call it (wtf is Beruit?), but we play standard 6-cup, with a 3-cup overtime. But Chris, you’ve mentioned that you’ve never had anything to drink. What are you doing with such vast knowledge of Beer Pong? I’m glad you asked eager-reader. One of the first tasks completed upon moving into our apartment in Blacksburg was acquiring a Beer Pong table for the greater good. During traditional daylight hours, we would often play a quick game of “Water Pong” to keep the muscle memory up. Playing sports requiring hand-eye coordination, specifically baseball for a good part of my life, there was little difficulty in throwing a ping pong ball into a cup ~10 feet away. On the few times I played, I would either fill my own cups with water or soda, or would have a Designated Drinker and I would do work on my opponents. One of the few perks of sobriety. So for the next 5-6 hours (9-3am) an ungodly amount of alcohol was consumed. When I participated, I went 2-1, making around 50% of my team’s cups for the night. It still amazes me how up to a point, it seems like beer can actually help beer pong “athletes.”

Back to my point about being “out of the game.” These guys have jobs, or are in graduate programs. Both mean that the opportunities for binge drinking to this degree are far and few between. Stephen in particular since he is in med school. As a result, he was the first person to pass out (around 2am). It took a little while for all of us to notice that he was not around the BP table, then someone mentioned that they saw him upstairs. Yes, he was the first person to pass out, at his own bachelor party. In case you are unaware of the Man Law, typically if you pass out at a party, you are not to be messed with if you had the foresight to take off your shoes. It’s Man Law. However, there is a provision for bachelor parties and unique gathering settings that says, and I quote: FTS! So we found him, and proceeded to take pictures of Jake (REDACTED) near Stephen’s (REDACTED) in various positions. It was pretty shameful. People woke up between 9-10, and some true warriors starting drinking again as soon as they could walk. Others spent most of the morning participating in the Great Yak-Fest of 2009.

If Day 1 was a metaphorical shot of Adrenaline, Day 2 was more of a constant IV. Spreading out a keg over a 12-14 hour period is much “safer” in the grand scheme of things. Somewhere during the day, we collected a bunch of wood (not too difficult considering we were in a forest) and built ourselves a little fire to enjoy as the sun began to set. Of course some people got a little carried away with adding logs to the fire, but thankfully no one got injured, the fire was contained at all times, and we didn’t have to use the fire extinguisher. Smokey The Bear would be proud.

Somehow we managed to get the place cleaned up before 10am and everyone made it home safely. The End.

Ultimately, it was fun to get the band back together. Despite their ridiculous tendencies, I do miss hanging out with those fools. Dealing with constant rush hour, and an 8-5 that expects far more out of me than my current knowledge can support is not really the best of times. And even in the worst of times, our apartment in Blacksburg was hella fun. Yes, I said ‘hella’, do something! If this weekend was any indication of what the wedding and associated festivuses after will be like, I’ll probably be hungover for a week due to osmosis. Maybe I should plan for a liver transplant now.

At least the weekend didn’t end up like this: